It’s birthday month for me, so pardon my aging complaints (or complaints on aging). I’ve been gearing up for this month by listening to “Healthy Aging” by Dr. Andrew Weil, who (unfortunately), looks like Santa Claus on the cover of the CD. Despite this, he makes real sense and I’ve started a checklist of “don’t-do-anymores” based on his medical advice.

The list is four pages long and I’m only halfway through. I read that “aging is a state of mind” and thought, well, so is insanity.

The following are dead giveaways as to your potential age:

* Don’t wear any decorative pin on the lapel of anything. The larger the pin, the older you are.

* Ditto for large decorative necklaces — they only call attention the wrinkles on your neck. (See the commercial for the Lifestyle Lift.)

* Remove all the bumper stickers, signs and decorative elements from your car or cars’ back window. Especially those that say dumb stuff like, “My kid just graduated from Yale!”

* Stay away from those tanning places, especially the ones that offer all-you-can-tan for one price. I have a friend who was convinced that having a healthy glow made her look younger, that is until she came out last week looking like an overcooked (old) turkey.

* I’ve discovered that there’s a direct correlation between statuary on one’s lawn and age. It seems that as soon as you hit 70, those fake cement geese, turtles and wide-eyed fawns start to appear on your lawn and you actually think they look good!

I can tell the age of any homeowner simply by driving by neighborhoods looking for how many lawn ornaments are strewn around. I recently bet a real-estate agent that I could guess the age of a house’s occupants by counting how many dwarfs, fiberglass squirrels, birdbaths, sundials and cement tortoises each lawn has. I’ve since been hired by Caldwell Banker to pinpoint the abodes of those over 70 so they can approach these residents who will be moving to Boca in five years.

In selecting a skirt or shorts, it is no longer a particular color, fit, or price that is high on the list of desired qualities — it’s a flexible waist and the material’s content. Spandex, once considered de rigueur only for swimsuits, is a must-have when picking out anything that will be encasing your tummy or thighs. That little oomph of girdle-like control is a welcome relief to constantly sucking it in. Thinking about spandex, instead of buying myself a new bathing suit for my birthday, I think I’ll skip it this year, I’m looking for a nice little birdfeeder for my lawn.

The good news is that I’ve recently purchased a pair of slippers that look just like sandals! At last, I can walk without pain. Getting older: the way you age may be in your genes but it’s also in your jeans.