‘Twas the night before caucus, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even Pelosi, that louse.
Slurs were hung around candidates’ necks with great care,
In hopes the electorate they would dutifully scare.
The candidates were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of caucus votes danced in their heads;
And Hillary in her kerchief with Bill in their sack;
Fred Thompson settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Hillary ducked under the bed to avoid the whole matter;
Away to the window Bill flew like a flash,
Envisioning a quarry with an eye on some cash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature hay cart and an evangelical we fear
This now little conniver with the press run amok;
I knew in a moment it must be St. Huck.
More rapid than jackals, his detractors they came;
And he sighed and he pouted, and he called them by name.
Now Daschle, you dancer, and Hillary, you vixen,
I’m not Bush, who is stupid, or Teddy out blitzen.
Mitt, knock off the cheap shots, you will take a fall
Now kneel I say, kneel I say, kneel and pray all!
As mouths that go dry before wild claims fly,
When they meet with a fact and shout out a big lie;
So up went the rhetoric, the charges they flew,
To axe handle Obama and St. Huckabee, too.
And then while tinkling I heard Imus, that doof,
Prancing and clawing at each little goof.
As I drew in my hand and was turning around,
Up in the polls Saint Huckabee came with a bound.
He was dressed in polyester from his head to his foot,
His reputation was torched, covered in ashes and soot;
A bundle of ploys would surely cover his back,
And he looked like a front-runner leading the pack.
His alibis, how they twinkled, his supporters made merry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the donut sugar on his chin was as white as the snow.
The speech for the stump he held tight in his teeth,
And you could see a cross past his head by the wreath.
He had a broad face and a now-flat little belly;
The weight loss flab shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
No longer chubby and plump, shaped like a tall elf;
I still laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye as he then bowed his head.
Gave me to know the First Amendment was dead.
He spoke the good word and went straight to his work
He didn’t do any mocking and wasn’t a jerk;
Laying his middle finger on the side of his nose
He sprang at a gay and blew his rape whistle;
Crushing their marriage licenses with a mortar and pestle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight
No secularism for all, it gives baby Jesus a fright.